The Top Ten Tuesday

1. SHOPPING......
   And why I hate it!
   
2. 
   
   

The thought of shopping makes me want to vomit! And not any vomit, big
chunky, bile-like vomit. I hate shopping more than I hate anything else in
the world (including teething nappies). I hate it so much that my Top Ten
Tuesday for this week is about shopping.

Top Ten reasons why I hate shopping:

1. Super 14 Season - The Super 14 season has begun and being an avid rugby fan there is no way in hell you will find me in a mall when the rugby is on (except if I'm sitting in a restaurant inside of the mall, drinking a Savannah and watching the rugby!)

2. Logistically it's a nightmare - You need to firstly plan the trip (which shops to visit, with or without kids, cash or credit). Just the thought and planning already leaves me gagging.

3. There is never parking - Like most working mothers, the only time I have to go to the shops is on weekends or after work. This is usually the time when the malls are packed with people and finding parking within 5km of the shop is almost impossible.

4. Over crowded malls - I get so irritated if the mall is so busy that people keep bumping into you or you have to side step to the left to the left every time a mom with a pram speeds towards you. Apparently prams have 1st right of passage in malls. Being a pram owner myself I get it that pram on the move equals sleeping baby, but some crazy ass moms just take it too far! Besides, being in labor for 24 hours does not give you the right to drive a pram like a maniac!

5. I have no patience when it comes to shopping - I simply feel that taking time to find your size, squeeze your size 14 butt into a size 10 jean, posing in mirrors and then waiting for a forced compliment from staff/family or friends is cruel and insane.

6. I do not do queues - If a queue is too long (more than 3 people) I will turn on my heals, drop my goods and leave (except when I need to buy nappies or formula - then I have NO choice).

7. I get thirsty a lot = I gotta pee a lot - Some malls have toilets nurturing a new breed of guff in them. I am in no way a germ freak but I refuse to pee in a toilet where the "left overs" of the last 10 people are still visible!

8. It's physically exhausting - try taking a two and a half year old, plus a crawling baby with you to a mall. The first hour is ok but after that the complaints start and it sounds something like this:

Megan: "Mom my feet hurt, carry me"

Mia: "Wheee Whaa" - that is baby talk for "Why do you only pick her up, pick me up as well".

Megan: "I'm hungry"

Mia: "Wheee Whaa *snif* Whee Whaa Wheee *snif*" - Where is my fucking bottle?

Megan: "Can I play at the Pur (her pronunciation of the Spur and also her most favorite place in the world)

Mia: "Whee Whaa" - What's the Spur and will it take away my teething pains?

So trying to do shopping with your kids is like fighting a phsycological war with a blond. Even though you know you are winning, you just give up half way through out of fear of committing suicide.


9. I can not keep to a budget - I am very very very bad at keeping to a budget. As I don't shop a lot (only necessities and only if I really have to) I tend to buy extra socks/underwear/pj's/food/nappies etc, just so that I don't have to go shopping again soon.

10. Mall people hang out in malls - Including the following:

10.1 The type of people that stroll along very slowly, checking out every single shop window.

10.2 Emo teenagers checking out each others' stripes.

10.3 The Snobs. Walking around with their designer labels and drinking decaff frosted mint choc low fat lattes. Their kids always look so uncomfortable in their little kiddy designer outfits and wtf is up with bringing your French Poodle to a mall?

Get it?

So if you do see me in a mall. Don't come to me, don't talk to me and don't even make eye contact. I'm there for one reason and one reason only - to get the hell out of there as quickly as humanly possible!!!

Boobs Glorious Boobs

In honor of cleavage day tomorrow
I want to write a post about MY cleavage.





IN THE BEGINNING……


Let me start at when I was 12. I got my first bra. I was so excited only to notice it saying “training bra”. What the hell does training bra mean? Am I training to wear a bra (seriously how hard can it be?) am I training to grow boobs and if the latter is the case how do I train to grow boobs? Are there specific exercises involved and if there is, am I allowed to wear a sports bra? It was all very confusing. Lets face it puberty is confusing.

Eventually they increased in stature and I very quickly realized that they were the main focus point on your body when you are between the ages of 15-18 (little did I know then that age has nothing to do with it.) There was not a boy in high school that was not fascinated by boobs. ALL boobs. Small bee stings, handful of apples and especially the big kahunas. As a girl you just had to wear something a little bit revealing and you would have to wipe the drool of their chins and insist they take a cold shower!

At Varsity my breasts were at their peak. They were visually a feast for the eyes. Perfect round form, soft, and nice pink nipples. Maybe they were a bit smaller than most men prefer but I’ll choose a small round breast over a big, saggy oval breast any day! One of the other benefits of being a little bit older is that you learn how to flaunt your assets without looking sluttish or over eager. Seeing as I was skinny and toned in those years I wore appropriate though also provocative clothing and received compliments on a daily basis regarding my 2 leading ladies. Those were the good days. That’s how I usually got what I wanted (if you have it flaunt it!) and eventually lured my husband.

By the time we got married I was a bit too skinny – something that happens to most brides and unfortunately is never to be repeated again – and I needed to insert those chicken-breast-plastic-silicone thingies just to fill out the dress. My husband wasn’t complaining because like me he prefers the smaller version, rather then getting lost and run the risk of suffocating in a 36DD rack.


SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE……


Then came the pregnancies (this happened as a result of numerous looking/touching/kissing of afore mentioned assets). The first pregnancy I gained a huge amount of weight. The increase in hormones and weight caused my ladies to triple in size. If newborns saw my cleavage they almost jumped me looking for their lunch! If grown men saw me they almost jumped me out of lust – gross I know! I had to buy new bra’s as my old ones all squeezed the living daylights out of me. It was like pushing a fat kid’s cheeks together. The point is they were huge and by the end of the pregnancy just before I was ready to pop my nipples started turning brown. If you have not had children yet or you are male you will be very grossed out by now, but for those of you, who have bared children, you know exactly what I’m talking about!


I couldn't’t understand the reason behind the discoloration, except for the fact that it’s a total passion killer in the bedroom (which you prefer when you look like a Beluga whale ready to explode). After the baby is born you realize it does have a more significant purpose like guiding the baby (who is born with very bad eye sight) as to where to suck! Seeing as sucking is quite essential to their survival I guess its ok then.

Breastfeeding is a whole post on its own and I will put up a big warning right at the top to warn all readers who are squeamish to abstain from reading it.


NOW…………


Now after 2 pregnancies and many months of breastfeeding I am left with 2 dried up very long 36D prunes. My nipples have returned to their normal color (thank you very much!) but I am very far away from the perky looker I used to be. Even the husband complains that I no longer ace the pencil test. I can officially carry a pencil around under my sagging breasts for hours on end – no effort. * I wonder if there is a Guinness World Record for that? *

So to all you young perky bitches out there……

Wear as little as possible tomorrow on National Cleavage Day and shake what your Mamma gave you.

Because one day, you too will be a Mamma and shaking it could cause a sudden injury, concussion or even death!

Tired much?

Mia has been actively teething since she was 4 months old. Now that we are reaching the 9 month mile stone and there is still no bloody teeth I am getting just a tad irritated.

I mean I can handle the excessive drooling (she will give a Boerbull a run for his money, the green/yellow/grey and orange combination poo and even the acidic fowl smell of those multicoloured nappies. But what I can't deal with any more is the lack of sleep. Every night she wakes up so many times whining and crying for no apparent reason. The only reason I can think of is the fact that her gums are sore. I try and help her to cope with the pain but I can only give her so much medication before I turn into one of those "doping-your-kids-to-get-some-more-sleep-moms"

Last night was the worst. She woke up so many times and eventually at 02h00 she decided it was playtime. WTF?

On top of that Megan wet her bed (for the 1st time since she has been potty trained). I then dressed her in dry clothes and put her in our bed. Now you must understand that when she lies in our bed no sleeping occurs (except for her of course). She tosses and turns, hits us and even snores (she gets that from her dad). So eventually by the time I got Mia back into bed Megan woke me complaining about a blocked nose. So I put some Vicks in her nose, put my head on the pillow and attempted to sleep.

A warm and wet feeling suddenly overwhelmed me. Megan wet OUR bed as well. Jeez how much can one little 12kg person pee in one night? Too tired to really care I just threw a towel over it and encouraged her to go back to sleep. 30 Minutes later my alarm went off.

So yes I am EXTREMELY tired. I also have the added bonus of being irritated and for some or other reason aggressive. So if I act like a total bitch today - blame my kids!

Top Ten Tuesday




Sleepy Jane used to do a Top Ten Tuesday post every week. Basically you add a post about the top ten things you love/hate/admire/enjoy etc at that specific time in your life.

So today my TTT is about 10 things I can’t live without.
(In no particular order!)


1. My family – I know it’s cliche to say this but I really do love them (all of them) and I can’t imagine how dull my life will be without them!

2. My GHD – If you tend to look like a French poodle when waking up, a GHD is a must have. It only takes 20 minutes to turn this:





into this.......






3. Milo Breakfast (can be lunch & dinner as well) cereal – I absolutely love the stuff that comes out of that green box! I can’t start my day without it! It is so divine that I sometimes eat it for lunch and dinner as well. Njom Njom crunch crunch.

4. A belt – Not a particular one just any pants-upholding-apparatus. I’m in the process of losing some (and eventually all) of the weight I gained as a result of me being impregnated by my loving husband. TWICE. As a result my pants are allowing me more breathing room but also moving towards the earth in a saggy skateboarder type of way – Not cool.

5. Deonette – She is my brother’s new girlfriend. I freaking adore that woman. She is FANTASTIC with my kids, she makes my brother happy and did I say she is fantastic with my kids. Megan loves her to bits and it looks like Tannie Hannie (Megan’s godmother) has some competition. When we visit my parents and Deonette is there Megan only wants to be with her (which allows me some me-time) and for that I am truly grateful!

6. Wimpy coffee – no comment needed!

7. INTERNET – I still don’t know how the hell people lived without internet. Must have been so boring!

8. Tissues – Megan is in a playgroup = contact with other kids = contact with all their little kiddy germs = loads and loads of snot. Megan with loads and loads of snot loves her little sister = direct contact by kissing and hugging her = Mia produces loads and loads of snot. Get the picture?

9. At this stage I would have loved to say BlackBerry – But seeing as I *sniff* don’t have a BB (I am now sobbing) *sniff* I can’t say that.

10. My toothbrush – obviously!

Feel free to add your own TTT in the comment section or post it to your blog!

Let's talk balls

WHAT IS IT WITH MEN AND THEIR BALLS?

Maybe I don't understand it because I am a woman......

Maybe I don't understand it because men are not big on using a lot of detail when explaining issues regarding their balls.........

Or maybe I'm just a freak because balls fascinate me more than the average person.....


Off with his balls (a true story)

When my husband had to go for his first Dr's appointment before his vasectomy he was scared shitless. Scared like I haven't seen him before!

We had a conversation that went something like this (I will translate in English):

Him: "Do you think the Dr is going to touch me there?"

Me: "Of course he is. How else can he do a proper examination"

Him: "Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit"

Me: "It can't be that bad."

Him: "I hope they put me out before they start doing the operation"

Me: In a loving voice "My dear he can't cut you open with you still feeling everything - it will be too painful and unethical, so yes you will receive anaesthetic."

Him: "Yeah but what if the nurse touches me there while I'm still awake?"

Me: Getting slightly irritated now "My angel how else can she or even he prepare you for surgery by scrubbing and shaving you if they can't touch you THERE?"

Suddenly he runs to the bathroom only to return 20 minutes later. Guess what he did? He went to shave and scrub his balls (2 weeks before his planned operation)

Him: "All done, now no nurse male of female needs to touch me." (He says with a smirk on his face)

Me: "Except when they massage your balls after the operation to stimulate blood circulation"

SNORT!!

The expression on his face was so farking hilarious I almost wet myself!

He eventually went for the op, hated it, moaned about his sensitive balls and the discomfort and so on and so on. As a loving and caring wife I offered to change his dressings, bring him his pain meds and even massage his balls to stimulate the blood circulation. To be honest I was so freaking curious to see the scar (yes I am strange like that) I would have done anything to take a look but NO. My over-sensitive-about-his-balls-husband said NO. I mean it's not like I haven't seen them a thousand times before!

Needless to say it was balls-off for me :-(

So my question is: ARE ALL MEN THIS SENSITIVE ABOUT THEIR 2 SPECIAL SMALL/MEDIUM/LARGE/XTRA-LARGE GRAPE-SHAPED FRIENDS?


While I'm on that subject here are a few interesting ball facts:


1. Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle. Yes and they were both midgets :-)

2. It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition. I swear by my testicles to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

3. Sperm die in very hot conditions, thus the reason for the testicles cool temperature. Cool Balls hahaha!

4. The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right testicle in right handed men and the left testicle hangs lower than the right in left handed men.

5. The robot from Transformers 2 Devastator's testicles took up 2.3 terabytes of disk space all on their own. Jeez that's huge ;-)

6. South Bend, Nebraska serves more testicles than any where in the world at its 'Testicle Festival'. Yes our black friends in SA aren't the only culture in the world to eat testicles.

7. Video of man with biggest balls in the world - No comment :-)

Blog Challenge

For this week’s Female2Female challenge, we could answer some really odd questions (seriously, who the fork came up with these?), and then tag four bloggers.


So Angel's Mind did the challenge and she got it from Blackhuff

And here is my take:

1. If you could give the world one piece of advice, what would it be?

Love each other as you love yourself - If everybody loved everybody else there would be no hatred,rape,racism and everything else that pollutes our population.

2. If you could have a room full of any one thing, what would it be?

I know I have 2 kids and a husband (which counts up to 3) but I see them as my family which is one thing :-)

3. What do you value most in other people?

Their perseverance - even in tough times and their ability to make me smile!

4. If you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would it be?

Probably red?

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would like to be more neat. I'm not an easy person to live with as I put something down wherever I want (whether it belongs there or not), I leave cupboard doors open and I don't close the curtains when I get dressed. The result is by the end of the day my house looks cluttered and disorganized.

6. If you could choose one of your personality traits to pass on to your children, what would it be?

Well seeing as they already have my looks, personality and brains I will say my sense of humour. Having a sense of humour just makes life so much more fun and exciting!

7. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

Buy a Powerball ticket when the jackpot is over R100 million :-)

8. Would you rather teach a young child to read or have to learn again for yourself?

I've always seen myself as a bit of a teacher (not in the Mrs Rottemeyer type of way) but I love teaching people new things and teaching a child to read is one of the greatest gifts you can give him/her.

9. What is the best advice you’ve ever given and received?

GIVEN: I gave this advice to a friend who just dumped her loser boyfriend "Why not check out internet dating?" - she is now engaged to the wonderful guy she met on an internet dating site! RECEIVED: Don't waste your energy on people that mean nothing to you!

10. How would you like to die?

I can tell you how I don't want to die - drowning or burning to death. Besides that I don't really have a preference.

So I need to tag 4 people:

1. ExMi - Just because you haven't heard from me in a while!
2. Cybersass - I would love to hear your take on these questions!
3. SleepyJane - I know how much you love meme's :-) and because your words are tired!
4. Jou ma se blerrie blog - I know your answers will make me laugh - no pressure though!

Please feel free to spread the love and try this challenge!

Our 8 month journey....

8 Months ago…..

•I was wondering if it will ever be possible to love your second child as much as your first.
•I was preparing myself for the small amount of sleep I will be getting in the next couple of months.
•I tried to spend as much time as possible with Megan because I knew I would be neglecting her a bit after the new baby is there.
•I was excited/fearful/anxious and overwhelmed all at the same time and then….

I gave birth to Mia Schutte on the 14th of July 2009 after a terrible pregnancy and delivery and you can read more about it here….


The cost of emergency c-section R6 000
The cost of 3 nights in hospital R12 000
The cost of bringing your perfect little
baby home from the hospital PRICELESS!


In an instant all fears just fall away and you can’t stop looking at this perfect bundle of joy! And then the first scream! Luckily being my second child I just felt so much more comfortable and relaxed with everything. Handling this tiny little thing (she weighed only 2.6kg by the time we left the hospital), feeding her, swaddling her and entertaining her. I really felt like a pro this time round! Even my breast were playing along and looking all pretty and yummy for baba!

So 8 months ago Mia was the new little person added to the Schutte family! And what a wonderful journey it has been seeing her grow up and develop. Her most favorite person in the world is Megan. If Megan enters the room Mia’s face lights up and her smile goes from ear to ear. Megan is so good with Mia , she “reads” her books, teaches her to count and pulls faces at her when she starts crying. The other day she pushed her away from the open plug to protect her - just reminds me to go and buy those plug protector thingies from BabyCity. It caused Mia to fall and cry but it was such a special moment and I’m sure Mia will appreciate it later in life when she has no side effects from a freak home electrocution accident. (Ooh I really need to go and buy those thingies TODAY!)

On the not so bright side I have been puked on, shitted on, pinched blue and punched in the nose by my ever growing little bundle of energy – I say with a hint of sarcasm!
Mia is also not the world’s best sleeper like her sister was. She wakes frequently at night – for no reason - of course and daytime naps are limited. She is also still a toothless baby even though she has been showing signs of teething since she was 4 months old!

I also think a mistake was made with her gender. She truly acts and even looks like a little boy! She is rough and tough and soooo inquisitive. Even fearless. I remember Megan being very cautious about standing and holding onto things, but not Mia oh no she just leaps forward and goes. To hell with what is in her way – real wild child that one!

So the past 8 months have truly been and incredible journey, thanks to little Mia whom we love and adore JUST AS MUCH as her sister!

Separated by a fart

Normally when the husband and I argue we sort it out before we go to bed to avoid the hugely uncomfortable situation of going to bed angry. Going to bed angry leads to silent treatment leads to no cuddling leads to no sleep leads to being even more irretated the next morning caused by extreme fatigue leads to more fighting.

So very early on in our relationship we both agreed we will NEVER go to bed angry and he will NEVER sleep on the couch/different bed/kitchen counter (don't ask!) But last night while we were in bed talking and sining songs with Megan (she lies in our bed until she is sleepy and then I take her to her bed)my dear loving, sweet husband let one rip in bed. No I don't have a problem with public farting or even farting in bed (romantic I know) but last night it smelled as if something cralwed up his but, entered his anus and died - right there. By the smell of it it must have been a dreadful and very painful death!

Even Megan who does not usualy complains about foul smells complained. I put the cusion over my face and breathed the dust right out of it. Due to lack of oxygen and clean air I ran out of the room with a screaming Megan right on my heels. She thought we were playing a game (Yeah right humm what will I call it - How to fart your partner to death!)

After we all gained conciousness again I threatened to put a plug in his poephol if he does that again. He assured me it was a one time thing! So we all got back into bed and Megan said she wanted to play some more. The next part is where I drew the line: My husband seeing himself as a good father then said: "Megs trek my vinger!" Yes he actualy said it like a Danvil-tapit-old-ballie-sitting-on-his-stoep-with-his-dirty-beer-belly-hanging-over-his-PT-short (this is shorts that resemble rugby pants)type of voice!

And you know the rest - after she pulled his finger he farted again. This time we really barely made it out of the room alive. Just there and then I banned him to the couch for the night. Hell I was bloody scared for my life. I mean how will he explain to the insurance people I died of intoxication of fart fumes? No thanks I wasn't taking that risk.

So for the first time in our 4 years of marriage I refused to have him sleep next to me in our bed or even in our room. Luckily we have those leather kick out couches so they are very comfortable (he slept there by choice just after his vasectomy - afraid I'll kick him in the nuts while I'm sleeping!) So he spent the night there with the sliding door open. I just hope he hasn't sustained any brain damage from a whole night of breathing his own deadly fart fumes!!

Now a question to all my readers: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SEPERATED BY A FART?

I'm back!!!!!!!!!

Intro.....

Me: Hi my name is Natasha and I have not blogged for over a year (maybe more)

All of you together: Hi Natasha.

Well now that the welcome is sorted out let's get to the important part. WHY THE HELL I STOPPED BLOGGING?

Well to make a long story short - I didn't feel like it!

I stopped when I was 6 weeks pregnant (with my 2nd) and puking my guts out. I felt horrible and on the verge of a certain death. Somehow I survived, got busy and just did not feel like writing. But like a nasty recurring yeast infection I'm back..........hopefully for good this time!

I have been reading about 2 million blogs a day (not always commenting - sorry) and I just felt this immense urge to return to blogging. To write down the boring and not so boring stuff that happens in my daily life!

So I'm going to tell you 50 things that happened to me in the past 18 months - try and keep up cause it's a shit load!


1. I had an AWEFULL pregnancy - hated every minute and decided it WILL be my last!
2. Wanted a divorce at least every second day - hormones baby!
3. Had to cope with an almost 2 year old kid! She can be very glad she is damn cute and smart :-)
4. I took secret naps at work on the toilet - told you this 2nd pregnancy sucked!
5. Went into premature labor 4 times, eventually gave birth to a healthy daughter Mia at 36 Weeks via Emergency C-section
6. I only picked up 10kg's during pregnancy - Take that bitch!
7. Only breastfed for 6 weeks - breast dried up like prunes in the sun (note to self never reveal to readers that breast now actually resemble dried prunes)
8. I went on 4 months UNPAID maternity leave (my employer is great like that)
9. I picked up the 10kg's I lost after the birth in 4 weeks - WARNING Jungle Juice is packed with calories :-(
10. Spent R18 000 on my car for a new gearbox and clutch and it is STILL not working - fucking fabulous!
11. I couldn't wait to get back to work. I realized pretty quickly I'm no SAHM. For my children and my own safety, I must break from them every day for a couple of hours!
12. On my first day back at work, I stood in front of my cupboard for an hour – I got so fat I had absolutely NO work clothes that fit – A R G H !!
13. Being back at work……bliss!!!
14. We were too poor (or financially challenged) to go away for December (because of my farking car), but my parents came to our rescue and sponsored a week away at the coast (with them of course) and it was great!
15. I learned January that our company is in trouble and that retrenchments are taking place – Shit 
16. I actually considered working in Spur to supplement our income –I know it was a moment of pure idiocy. I would rather strip than go back to waitering. (Although I don’t think Mr Jackson hires old, saggy, 36LONGD dancers who can barely just touch their toes, let alone split).
17. Just the thought of a split caused me to drink a Voltaren.
18. My oldest started potty training and it went exceptionally well (agh what am I talking about I KNEW it would go well, cause she got my brains)
19. My second started crawling – hoo-farking-ray I don’t have to carry her around any more!!!
20. I realize one day how blessed I am to have such great HEALTHY kids!
21. A few moments after this realization they both get sick with a virus called Hemastomatitus. They stop eating and drinking and Mia needs to be hospitalized for dehydration.
22. I spend 2 nights sleeping/sitting in a hospital chair – they are upgrading the children’s ward and there is only one private room – already in use.
23. Oh I forgot to add my husband went for a Vasectomy in January – Yes sadly it’s the end of our multiplying and producing fabulous children!! *The words Happy days keep ringing in my ears*
24. But on the good side the start of our shagging like bunny rabbits without worries starts – Hell yeah!
25. I lied I only got 25 at this stage, but I will add if I remember anything else.


If you don't know me and want a real quick overview go here
For the rest of you, watch this space cause this mamma is here to stay!