Boobs Glorious Boobs

In honor of cleavage day tomorrow
I want to write a post about MY cleavage.





IN THE BEGINNING……


Let me start at when I was 12. I got my first bra. I was so excited only to notice it saying “training bra”. What the hell does training bra mean? Am I training to wear a bra (seriously how hard can it be?) am I training to grow boobs and if the latter is the case how do I train to grow boobs? Are there specific exercises involved and if there is, am I allowed to wear a sports bra? It was all very confusing. Lets face it puberty is confusing.

Eventually they increased in stature and I very quickly realized that they were the main focus point on your body when you are between the ages of 15-18 (little did I know then that age has nothing to do with it.) There was not a boy in high school that was not fascinated by boobs. ALL boobs. Small bee stings, handful of apples and especially the big kahunas. As a girl you just had to wear something a little bit revealing and you would have to wipe the drool of their chins and insist they take a cold shower!

At Varsity my breasts were at their peak. They were visually a feast for the eyes. Perfect round form, soft, and nice pink nipples. Maybe they were a bit smaller than most men prefer but I’ll choose a small round breast over a big, saggy oval breast any day! One of the other benefits of being a little bit older is that you learn how to flaunt your assets without looking sluttish or over eager. Seeing as I was skinny and toned in those years I wore appropriate though also provocative clothing and received compliments on a daily basis regarding my 2 leading ladies. Those were the good days. That’s how I usually got what I wanted (if you have it flaunt it!) and eventually lured my husband.

By the time we got married I was a bit too skinny – something that happens to most brides and unfortunately is never to be repeated again – and I needed to insert those chicken-breast-plastic-silicone thingies just to fill out the dress. My husband wasn’t complaining because like me he prefers the smaller version, rather then getting lost and run the risk of suffocating in a 36DD rack.


SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE……


Then came the pregnancies (this happened as a result of numerous looking/touching/kissing of afore mentioned assets). The first pregnancy I gained a huge amount of weight. The increase in hormones and weight caused my ladies to triple in size. If newborns saw my cleavage they almost jumped me looking for their lunch! If grown men saw me they almost jumped me out of lust – gross I know! I had to buy new bra’s as my old ones all squeezed the living daylights out of me. It was like pushing a fat kid’s cheeks together. The point is they were huge and by the end of the pregnancy just before I was ready to pop my nipples started turning brown. If you have not had children yet or you are male you will be very grossed out by now, but for those of you, who have bared children, you know exactly what I’m talking about!


I couldn't’t understand the reason behind the discoloration, except for the fact that it’s a total passion killer in the bedroom (which you prefer when you look like a Beluga whale ready to explode). After the baby is born you realize it does have a more significant purpose like guiding the baby (who is born with very bad eye sight) as to where to suck! Seeing as sucking is quite essential to their survival I guess its ok then.

Breastfeeding is a whole post on its own and I will put up a big warning right at the top to warn all readers who are squeamish to abstain from reading it.


NOW…………


Now after 2 pregnancies and many months of breastfeeding I am left with 2 dried up very long 36D prunes. My nipples have returned to their normal color (thank you very much!) but I am very far away from the perky looker I used to be. Even the husband complains that I no longer ace the pencil test. I can officially carry a pencil around under my sagging breasts for hours on end – no effort. * I wonder if there is a Guinness World Record for that? *

So to all you young perky bitches out there……

Wear as little as possible tomorrow on National Cleavage Day and shake what your Mamma gave you.

Because one day, you too will be a Mamma and shaking it could cause a sudden injury, concussion or even death!